An ocean between/where I am and where I want to be

you prayers in doubt / doubt not for me!


'Sup, Livenournal?
Lola
tnsechick
Okay, I have a confession to make. Psh! I probably have a lot I could make, but shut up. I'll just start with this one for now...
It has been a wild, weird few years here recently, and yes I did end up joining Facebook as well as Daily Strength.....and honestly, for a bit there I forgot about Livejournal until the other night when I FINALLY saw "The Social Network", and you know in the beginning when Zuckerberg was on LJ? Yeah. I went, "holy crap, I used to love LJ, why haven't I been on there in forever??"

And right now, I'm typing from my phone. Just wanted to see if all this was still here, and see if I remembered my password.

Can't type much now, tho, from a PHONE. But I would love to journal more, and would love to get back into the swing of journaling here.

Internet drama!!!
Lola
tnsechick
My husband and I moderate this web forum. After more than a year of this now, we're already sick and tired of it. Just a tiny handful of crazies can create so much unnecessary drama.

OMG, I've become a nice person
Lola
tnsechick
It is so funny, writing here at LJ after being gone years, I really get to compare the me of before and me now. Of course I'm mostly the same--I know I sound the same in my casual style of writing here. But we have been through a lot in the interim, and, a bunch of stuff has happened--some bad and some good--just this Monday, Tuesday and Today, which gave me pause to think: you know what? I am a much nicer person than I used to be.

Not that I was horrible before. But I had more trouble trusting people and forming deeper friendships. I had a ton of acquaintances but didn't want them to help me with anything and they sure rarely asked for my help. Things are different that way today. Now I have a community of peers and we all help one another. It is a wonderful feeling.

But especially due to the events of this week, a moment ago I stopped and observed myself, and it just never hit me before how doggone nice I can be, and it is so easy, whereas years ago I was too busy being guarded and ready to take you on if you had the slightest thing against me.

I was too preoccupied and preprogrammed to expect the worst from people to allow the best in people to touch me.

Took up cycling
Lola
tnsechick
Good morning! Like I said, one exercise I can still do with my effed-up spine is cycling. So, I got a decent bike (Bianchi Cortina, which sounds like a female so I refer to her as "she") and some gear and tried to take up cycling last year. Either I suck at it, or it is just further proof that Oklahoma sucks...I take my bike to Huntsville, which has GORGEOUS bike trials, and I ride every day I'm there, all over the place and LOVE it. But in Oklahoma, it seems like it is too hot or too windy or too ugly or blah blah blah.

The reason why I bring this up now, is that this morning--with BOTH of my boys off to school--I took my freshly tuned-up bike out for a ride for the first time since the boys and I came back here from a month-long vacation to Alabama and Florida in May-June. So, I have not ridden my bike at all pretty much in almost 2 months.

Beautiful morning! But what did I forget?? I FORGOT THAT IT IS GARBAGE DAY.

The whole neighborhood smells like vomit.

I ended up having to cut my ride short, not--surprisingly to me--because I am so out of shape, but because the SMELL was getting overpowering.

NOTE TO SELF: Mondays are go-to-the-lake days FROM NOW ON. That should be much nicer.

health issues / healthcare
Lola
tnsechick
I don't intend to use this journal just to gripe and moan, but there have been some developments in recent years -- while I was not writing in here -- and I feel like I should explain them in case I mention them (and I probably will) in the future here.

1) Spondylolisthesis. OK, first of all, remember how I used to complain about my hip hurting and I was always going to chiropractors and stuff? I went to a different orthopedist who, instead of merely x-raying my hip and then telling me I was fine, x-rayed my back and then sent me for a lumbar MRI. I have spondylolisthesis [spondy = spine and listhesis = slippage] and have probably had it to some degree for a long, long time only with no symptoms, and then as you know once I was very pregnant with River the hip pain symptom began.

What this is: I have bone loss and fractures in my L4 and L5 vertebrae, and L5 due to having less mass than normal then slipped forward over S1. This was pinching my disc and inflaming nerve roots. The chronic bursitis in my left hip and leg were (are) from inflammation spreading to nerves and muscles in my lower back and on downward.

It has gotten progressively worse. 2 years ago I was on vacation with my family in Florida, and on the last night my left leg just went out from under me and I couldn't walk on it properly for days. A fresh MRI last summer showed that my L5-S1 disc has been completely squashed to oblivion now.

I can no longer walk farther than 1/2 a block, and some days I have to use a cane.

I was going to have spinal fusion surgery back in February, but in January Matt got laid off the main job he was at and we lost our family's only health insurance. If this sounds familiar...yeah, we went for years with no insurance and a state loophole prevented even our boys from getting Medicare. We had a couple of nice years with healthcare, and now we are back to not having any.

MEANWHILE................... last fall I was diagnosed with asthma and high blood pressure. Now, I think that I have had the asthma my ENTIRE fucking life and doctors have always been misdiagnosing me with bronchitis, upper respiratory infections, or croup. I'm a little pissed off at doctors about this. Once my new g.p. started treating me for asthma...wow!!! I mean, is oxygen underrated or WHAT?!?!? However....without insurance my asthma meds cost $350 per month. So, I just don't buy them. River is on 2 meds now for his ADHD, so I buy those and birth control. I keep an emergency inhaler, and in the summer when it is warm I have few breathing issues, but once it starts turning cold here, ohhhh, I am gonna wish I had asthma meds!

The high BP was to be expected--it is the curse of my mother's family. But I was hoping I could have made it past 40 before that started! I am overweight and out-of-shape due to not getting any exercise for a while there, dealing with my spine problem. Finally, I got a bicycle for cardio, and I love my bike. But it was too late. I have to take Lisinopril for the BP. Which is nice--it works great and is cheap, especially at Sam's Club where we get our meds now. $4 for BP meds. I just wish pharma co.s thought that breathing was as necessary as not stroking out.

So, there you go: I am a mess!

I keep thinking, if we could just get some healthcare coverage, somehow, and I could have the back surgery...once that heals up, I can get my old life back!

Ugh, what a week.
Lola
tnsechick
OK, this week was traumatic. We ended up in a legal dispute, and settled this week. No one won, and everyone kinda lost. I'm glad it is OVER now, but we shelled out $5000 to this lawyer and now still owe him $5000 more.

The sucky thing is, if we were rich we could have seen this thing through to a sure victory. But it would have ended up costing us tens of thousands more, and taking who knows how many months or years longer in court.

That's not justice, that's not a good, democratic system. That is just the rich get everything they want and the not-rich get tromped on.

I am SO angry.

New goal:
Lola
tnsechick
...to stop beginning my posts with "wow"

C ya 2morrow.

Oh look! Me olde joinal is still here!
Lola
tnsechick
Wow, this is like....visiting your hometown and going over to your old high school or something. I have not been on here in FOREVER, and so I've sort-of forgotten what it's like, and yet it is all vaguely familiar!

Geez, how long has it been? Well, a great deal has happened in the past...years? many, many months, at any rate.

I experimented with some other journals--succumbing to peer pressure to join this or that site. (Daily Strength, for example.) But I am not so anonymous on those and--even if putting on a "private" setting for an entry--I feel too exposed to really write what I want to say, to be totally honest.

Man, I didn't know if this account would still be here at LJ. I expected it to go "you have been inactive too long" or something. God bless 'em!

I'm not going to do a real post just now; first I want to go see how far back my journal goes, and if any funny baby stories of the boys still exist. River just turned 9, and Cedar turned 6. Can you believe it?!?

L8r.

Happy Fall!
Lola
tnsechick
aw, I never know what the f to put on the subject line. HEY THERE! Our Colorado trip was soooooo freaking AWESOME!!!!!!! We loved CO and can't wait to go back. I have a whole travel log of our experiences that I can post, but I am trying to remember how to do a cut tag. Ergh. I used to be so computer-savvy. I'll have to look it up on the LJ tip sheet. BUT ANYWAY. How amazing are the San Juan mountains, huh? After hearing about our trip, now my parents want to go, after they retire.

This here has already been a weird week, tho. Matt is about to change to a better job in November, so that is GREAT news...it's just that he has 2 hospitals fighting over him right now (must be nice) so we do not know yet for certain where his next gig will be.

Other weird stuff...I had a 24-hr stomach flu but thankfully no one else caught it. A friend in Lenior City, TN, passed away, but it's OK--the man was 90 and had led an amazing, wonderful life.

OH! Guess what?!?!? This weekend we are taking River and Cedar to their first Star Trek convention! TrekExpo, in Tulsa. We know River will love it--it's gonna blow his mind. Cedar...? We aren't sure, but hopefully he won't be bored, anyway. I'll stick some of his trains and tracks in a backpack, just in case. ;-)

My spine....is the baseline....
BettieGrrr
tnsechick
Well, after bouncing from doctor to doctor all summer and having 2 MRIs and countless x-rays, I am finally getting some treatment. The immediate problem presenting today was the now age-old bursitis in my left hip. Got a cortizone shot for that. Yay! But, here is the new deal: Tuesday I go get an epidural injection of steroids for my back. New ortho says this usually works on people, where they have 1 of these every 5 years. You can have up to 3 in a year, so if the 1st one only improves things a little bit, you can try again. Now, if this doesn't work, he recommends spinal fusion surgery. But I have high hopes that the epidural will break the cycle on my chronic inflammation.

Meanwhile, how to exercise and lose weight is always a question, due to not wanting to incur new pain. I'd been researching and all signs were pointing to swiming or water aerobics. Ugh. I love to play in the water but hate swimming for exercise, and at our gym the H2O class is full of elderly ladies with incontinence issues.

HOWEVER....just tonight I read a medical website that recommends BIKING, because the sitting position is less painful with degenerative spondylolisthesis--opens up the spinal canal!

I had just said to Matt a coupla months ago, that I would like to get a bike. Don't know now when such a thing will happen, but hey! Suddenly it is medically necessary, heh heh!

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